“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.