the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.