*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
respect
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
that wasn’t the question
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?