checking out some reviews of my local library
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.