Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
You Might Also Like
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.