It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Mouse
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine