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[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing