I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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Cake!!
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Breaking news:
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box