I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.