Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree