9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.