I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here