do what now??
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If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Teach your children to beatbox
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Noah was an idiot.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
worst…sale…ever
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.