I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Become ungovernable.