Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
How to find Kentucky on a map
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work