My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.