Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
You Might Also Like
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”