As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
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I am yelling
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
#parenting
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.