*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
You Might Also Like
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe