My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
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angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Oh no
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh