I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…