“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.