Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot