Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
You Might Also Like
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you