*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
This took me a second..
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?