When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely