6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
bears
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body