6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you