Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”