On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!