impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
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Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
This hospital has everything
me, after any kind of buffet.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?