me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON