Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I am a gravy boat captain
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior