man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
You Might Also Like
I was bored.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him