*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.