“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart