“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing