If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.