Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet