Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
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If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My favorite female superhero
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge