Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.