Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
You Might Also Like
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
In banana years, I am bread.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.