Aight bet
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.