If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.