“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.