Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
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My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes