the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow: