[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Autocarrot sucks!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.