I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
@ candidates for local office
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.