GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
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Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete